Erratic Thinking

So I am here, wondering where things went in such a bad turn of events and how I got this way. How my life has began such a downward spiral or if it was spiraling downward the whole time. I thought I was quite an individual and knew myself pretty well. But, the things in my head are dark and sometimes I cannot help myself. I’m in the point of my life where I couldn’t tell you anything that I truly loved or got enjoyment out of me. I do not think I even know myself any longer, and it was one of the things that I have been most proud of for myself, how I stood out. That I was comfortable with myself and knew exactly who I was; now I am lost and am trying to find a way. A way to passion, for purpose, and peace. I used to write all of the time, spending hours over a computer or even a journal. Now it’s hard for me to even know where to begin, so I’m just starting and letting it come out, trying to be natural and see what happens.

I hope to achieve a kind of self-fulfillment because my life is lacking that right now. My hopes, my dreams, my desires; I feel that I hide myself away because I’m my own worst enemy and I don’t trust myself.

I used to cook, exercise, dance, laugh, and have a great time. Now I’m just haunted by the things that I used to do and wondering why I have no motivation when I used to aspire to such great heights. What happened? Should I stay on this topic exceedingly or should I move on and just try to express myself?

I am lonely, I am pushing people away, sometimes I am so overcome with emotions that I cannot express that it drives me insane and I cannot stand it any longer. I do not know how to let these emotions out so I just let them simmer until I can no longer and it boils over. Sometimes I am so passive and I don’t let anyone get me down. I do not want anyone to see me weak and suffering, I want to be strong. Help me.

Am I a dreamer? Am I a realist? Am I a pessimist? Am I an optimist? I have never fully been able to decide, I feel that I am trapped and I cannot make a decision.

When did I become so numb and emotionless? When did I become so overwhelmed in my own emotions that I can no longer distinguish between reality and the complexity of everyday life? I am bothered, I wish I lived in a make believe time and place where anything was possible and I was not holding myself back.

Let go, they say. Let go of what? I do not know what I have been holding onto this long that now I cannot ever find peace. I cannot sleep, I do not like to eat, and I am constantly restless. I want to find that place where I can sit and just let the whole world float by me and I do not even realize how much time has passed.

Did I get too busy that I stopped caring about myself and suppressing everything that was going on around me? I seemed happier then. Or maybe now I have just realized that this world is a busy bustling place and that you cannot care about some things and have to let them go in order to be functional. Am I just getting older and growing more mature or am I stuck and not sure where to go? I do not think I am ready to grow up quite yet even though I strive to make money and be completely independent and take care of myself. Yet, I am scared of the risk that that brings to my own life and the thought of me being completely in control scares me. Oh what a life.

 

I also just realized that it’s your birthday, and next month you will have been dead for 4 years. #heartbreaking

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