Stillness: Living Around You

Daily Post: A Memoir

I’m not quite sure if this is how you do a ping back, I’m new to the blogging world but after reading about it with the links and helpful hints so I think this is right.

Coldplay- A Sky Full of Stars

In the past I used to pride myself on being a wild, free, chameleon spirit. I was always up for anything and to try anything new. Something I always thought was that my soul mate would be someone who would make me stand still; not just in life But that I would feel the entirety of my being relax and be content with being still. Kind of like that serene feeling when the first snow falls and you still look at it in amazement. The big, fluffy flakes that cascade around you and you can’t see further than 10 feet in front of you. This is annoying while driving, but walking through that stillness is peaceful and serene to me, something I still enjoy and probably one of the things I like most about winter. I don’t mind the cold as long as there’s snow.

The Coldplay song, A Sky Full of Stars, resonates deep with me because I want a sky full of Stars tattoo in memorial of my grandma. This is who my memoir is going to be about.

I like the sky full of Stars because they are always there, sometimes hidden by the city lights;  but drive just out of town and there they are. The constellations stay the same and stars are born and die everyday, but there are so many stars and the universe is infinite that most do not even notice. My grandmother was like this to me; infinite across time, my whole universe. Memories of mine that I hold dear are small things like laying in bed at night or waking in the morning and looking across my bed to look into her eyes. Both blue but one darker than the other. I can still remember the exact color; neither was that clear, chrystalline blue, more like a cornflower blue that were a little cloudy with cataracts. We’d quietly sit in the living room and drink tea while reading books. In silhouette photos of myself I see her in my mannerisms and the way I hold myself. She had a quiet way about her and never put herseld first. My best friend, my mother, my grandmother and someone who I knew would unconditionally love me no matter what horrible things I had done. A steady hand in a world where everything was hustle and bustle. She was my little piece of stillness. & I remember her most vividly when I find those small moments of stillness in my life. It will be 4 years August 15th and it hurts no less than before, other than the ache dulls with the years. Still an empty void where something so grand had once been and will forever lay. They say forgetting makes you happier but I could not stand the pain of completely losing her. She took responsibility for me when my parents chose not to and was there constantly. A parent like no one in this generation has seen and has now made me scared to grow too close to anyone.

Sometimes I think of how difficult a child and teenager I was and feel really guilty. But she never stayed mad at me and now I still get overwhelmed when I get too stressed out because I relied on her for everything and now that person is gone. Words cannot describe her and how gentle a soul she was. But she was the stillness in my crazy world and now I’ve began to realize that I myself have become still and settled into a quiet apprehensiveness.

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