Wonderings

Lately I’ve really been lacking motivation, I’m not sure what it is and I complain about it all of the time. I try to study, I will get all of my materials and go to the library, open my books, read over my notes but I feel like nothing really sinks in. Last year when spring semester started I was doing well but then it all fell off the wagon because I was dealing with a rather painful break up. I had been living with my boyfriend at the time and we really did work well together, honestly thought that that was who I would be ending up with a spending my life with. He moved to Germany for 6 months and right before he left let me know that he had been texting a girl for awhile who had found out about me and that if he didn’t tell me then she would.

Needless to say, we broke up and he left and went to Germany, we skyped and used WhatsApp for awhile but I just got tired of it and cut off all communication with him. He never actually cheated on me, there were no physical aspects attached to the texting, it was mainly just an attention thing and he needed other people to tell him he was attractive, etc.,etc. So does this actually count as cheating? Some people would say yes other people would say no. But I’ve had some rough breaks in the past with cheaters and so I just counted it as a huge betrayal towards me and washed my hands of it.
Well he is back in town just for a night, we met up to talk now that he’s back in U.S. and drank wayy too much, smoked wayy too much but it was just like old times and it was nice. Like nothing ever really happened and he was never gone. However he does live 4 hours from here now that he is out of school. I skipped my whole day of labs and classes to hang out with him for as long as I could. Not sure how I feel about that, I do really agree that you need to cut out as much negative energy from yourself as you can, so it is not productive to hold grudges. But damn, it was even cold this morning, and even though we first met in the summer and became official during that part, the cold days when it was winter is what I really miss. In late fall we would watch football every Sunday and drink good beer.I’m not even a huge sports fan but we had such a happy home. I’m really missing my old roommates and just everything from last year. I was really on a roll and then it all stopped and it seemed like any progress I was making was ending.

Anyway, I’m already failing my physics class so I think I’m going to drop it before I get too far behind, which sucks so now I’ll only be taking 8 credit hours and not be full time but I don’t know if that matters or not. I just have no motivation to get on it and actually get this shit done. I think it’s because my first degree was so easy, math and statistics is pretty difficult and is very time consuming. I lack soooo much motivation, but if I do drop this class then I’m definitely going to start working more. Currently I’m only working at the restaurant twice a week and i was tutoring twice a week as well, but I had some problems with my financial aid, which I corrected but I’m waiting to be cleared. So I’m not sure if I’m not full time if I can even tutor. Decisions, decisions. I really need to get my GPA up as well, my overall is a 2.9 but for the math department I have a 2.0, which they are not happy with. Passing calc 2 this semester and Math 223 should definitely give me a boost, but they are hard classes so I am discouraged most of the time.

I need to grab my life by the horns and make it work the way I want it too instead of just sitting back and watching it unravel around me. Usually I do have my shit together, but sometimes I know I am an extremely lost person and I get very discouraged, I really am my own worst enemy unfortunately. Maybe it’s time for me to work on something else or do something more proactive, I’m not quite sure. I’m definitely on a private discovery of finding myself, when I used to think I knew myself backwards and forwards, we are all misconstrued about our personal paths and those who aren’t , well I applaud you.

Whenever my ex was here last night he came up with a pillow I hadn’t seen in a very long time and asked him where he got it from, he replied that it was in exactly the same place he left it before.

Do I really just run around my life not noticing these things? I think I let a lot of things go but maybe not the right things. \

I want to find things in myself that have been missing for awhile, it’s like a big black hole where so many hops and dreams used to be. I still think of a lot of things that I would like to do, etc. but it’s just not the same as it used to be I feel. I feel like I am at a standstill and I need to jump start myself forward. I’ve read different things like starting a vision board, writing down your goals, etc. But the same things I used to value and find so important I no longer do. I’m not sure if I’m just in a point where I’m lost in life or what. but I did read an article not long ago that said this stage of life these days are when people are the most unhappiest, the second in our late 40’s/early 50’s. I can definitely see why, it’s a transitioning stage and we are all looking for those things that still make us uncontrollably happy like a child and trying to be as responsible as an old wise person. It’s that transition and not being able to play both roles that gets us confused I think.

Honestly, I’m thinking about just taking my whole summer off and back packing through Europe. I would definitely want to find some friends who would join so I’m not alone in a foreign country but I think I need to just do it and not lose my nerve, go on a long, drawn-out soul searching plan and not have to worry about the daily goings-on of things. Our generation is getting lost in society.

I have become disconnected and disinterested in my own life. The people that are in, that surround me, I find faults that I cannot overlook in them anymore. I feel mediocre compared to some, and superior to others. I had a really bad trip on acid when I was pretty depressed and I felt completely disconnected from the entire world. It was like I did not matter and no one else mattered and all there was was a playground of a universe in my own mind. I still have that feeling more often than not, that this is all not reality. The things we are required and expected to do to live in this world is not one that interests me. I need to make my own roadway but I don’t know how or what path I should follow or make my own. I’ve never really been one to abide by the rules and to follow along with someone unless i really have nothing better to do and no harm comes from it. But I think that I am exasperated by this everyday bullshit that doesn’t even end up mattering in the end. Am I depressed or am I simply just enlightened from the usual everyday person?

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