Certain people who have been able to break into my barriers and see me for who I really am have told me that I am my own worst enemy. That I am capable of so many important things that it just pisses them off to see the shit that I do to myself. Can you tell that I am in a super playful/quirky kind of mood? Pretty self enlightening at the moment. I am not the easiest person to get to know. I write a fkn anonymous blog for christ’s sake because I do not feel comfortable talking about my inner most hopes,wants, wishes and desires to even people who I consider my best friends and who mean so much to me. I don’t like prodding/prying people. I do not like opening up and letting people know what’s inside. I’ve been through heart break, tragedy, depression and have gone to some deep, dark places that even I am fearful of. I do not want to succumb to some of the inner working thoughts in my head because it would have meant that I have given up and I feel that is cowardly, although sometimes I get so overwhelmed with emotions and grief over guilt that I cannot control my actions, my self or the things that I do. I have been feeling MUCH MUCH MUCH better the past few months because I have been forcing a positive outlook on myself and not really living up to my full potential in fear that if I do, once I fail I’ll spiral WAY back down the rabbit hole and be out of control of myself once again.
However, I do make sure that I take time out of my day just to be alone and reflect on things and make set decisions instead of pussyfooting around and being unsure. Say yes if you want to, say no if you don’t want to. If you’re only saying no out of fear of the unknown, that is cowardly. Man up, live your life to its fullest potential, don’t brush things off because you’re uncomfortable with them or you’re not sure what the purpose is, Trust your gut instincts. Trust your head, trust your feelings. The worst that can happen is that OMG you could actually have fun, you could make meaningful connections, you could be hurt but at least you could say that you have lived.
This world is very large, sometimes I get so disconnected I feel like not even a tiny blip on the map. That my life means nothing compared to other things going on in the world. Sometimes I also have such a thoughtful inner peace that even some of the most insensitive things cannot bother me. I just become disconnected from it all.
Fuck all of this concrete, material “needs”, the conformity, the pressure. Be the best person who you want to be and fuck whoever else is there trying to judge you. because when it comes down to it the only reason they are judging is usually out of jealousy. I don’t care what most people think about me. & when I feel kind of nervous or embarrassed about something, I try to just hold my head up high and run through that. Get over it, get over yourself. No one really cares what is going on or what you are doing, the ones that do really need to focus on themselves more honestly. I could give a fuck less what the majority of the people I know are doing, unless they are doing something really good or are doing some questionable things that I think we need to talk about and get to the bottom of. Be happy, do what makes you happy. Make your heart sing and your soul soar. Prioritize things, care about things, don’t just go through the movements of life because it is what expected of you to do. Don’t wake up one day to realize you absolutely fucking hate everything that you do in your day to day life because you feel OBLIGATED to do so. Say’s who? Say’s the people who are trying to get all of us to pretend like we are sheep and just run around like we are blind….
Something is in the air, people are catching on, someday soon there is going to be a mass explosion of these pent up rages, the sheep are going to wake up, and those who apply the pressure are going to run screaming into the hills looking for a place to hide from the eccentricity and curiosity of our kind.
I am definitely a wanderer, a wonderer, a curious, chameleon soul. I had disconnected myself from that part of me because I felt pressured to conform to a set plan, one you can talk about with other people and sound intelligent instead of just stating I have no fucking idea right now. The more and more I withdrew away from those around me the clearer I started to see myself and the differences and what was really bothering me. I don’t mind being lonely and alone as long as it keeps me away from those people who only pretend to want what’s best for you and to help you but really just hold their breath until you fail and they can rise above you only because of that. That is not the kind of people that I want to surround myself with. Good riddance. Speak your mind, state your opinions. I don’t like to openly be mean, it makes me feel really guilty.
All I have left to say is this:
“We live in an age where we feel guilt whenever we have to cut someone off but the reality is that some relationships do have to die, some people do need to be unfollowed and defriended. We aren’t meant to be this tethered to the people in our past. The Internet mandates that w don’t burn bridges and keep everyone around like relics but those expectations are unrealistic and unhealthy. Simply put, we don’t need to know what everyone else is up to. We’re allowed to be choosy about who we surround ourselves with online and in real life, even if it might hurt people’s feelings.” – Ryan OÇonnell, You Don’t Have To Be Friends With Everybody